I was never physically abused, but the psychological damage from my father's alcoholism was deep and painful. Peace and security were feelings that belonged to others because growing up, I don't remember experiencing them.
What I do remember, vividly, is the day I decided to shut down my feelings. It didn't take a lot of effort because I had already started ignoring them. I reasoned at a young age that I nor my feelings were of any great significance. Yet I always wanted someone to love me, to make me feel valued. I also looked for people to make me feel safe, but I struggled with allowing people to get too close. The few times that I risked letting my guard down, which was my attempts to connect with someone, I was left more wounded, disappointed, and alone. These experiences feed my belief that I had no real value.
Only as an adult did I understand that my father had learned to deaden his feelings, his emotional pain through alcohol. As a result, he was unavailable to his family on many levels. I would spend years digging my way out of the pain this caused. For example, I believed if I gave people what they wanted or did the right thing, they would like me and think of me as important. I also reasoned that if I did the right thing, it would prevent or alleviate any need to confront difficult situations.
The decision I made to shut down my feelings were the result of fearing to trust what I was feeling and that what I was feeling was okay. But those feelings of not being safe and accepted by people would not go away, which became the filters in which I viewed the world for years.
Turning Point
As far back as I can remember, I attended church with my family. I confessed hope in Christ at a young age; however, I had no idea what I was doing or what it meant to have a personal relationship with Christ. It seemed to be what was expected of me. Unfortunately, nothing in my life changed after that experience. I wasn't given bible studies, nor was I reading or studying the bible on my own. I still attended church, but again there were no significant changes in my life.
Time and life moved on, and at the age of 17, I graduated from high school and went on to college. By 1986, I was divorced from my first husband and had two children.
Although I was older, I was still seeking to validate my worth. I was restless, searching for something or someone to fill the emptiness in my life. I started going to clubs. I didn't smoke or drink, I was into the music, and I enjoyed dancing. After a couple of years, I still wanted more, but I didn't know how to move forward. I felt trapped by my inability to make wise choices about relationships, often failing at engaging in healthy ones.
A Changed Life
In 1988, the most beautiful thing happened; Jesus came into my life in such a gentle way. He brought peace, security, and told of me my worth by pointing me to the cross.
It began earlier that year, the organization I was working for transferred me to a different work site. My new office was located in an army hospital. I was meeting new people, and a few of them that stopped by my office started talking to me about their relationship with Christ. I wasn't turned off by this, but no one had ever engaged me in conversations about their religious experience. I always thought a person's relationship with Christ was a private matter, not something to be discussed openly.
A couple of people started inviting me to their church, and out of politeness and curiosity, I would attend. I found the services interesting but wasn't motivated to explore the possibility of joining.
One day I received a call from a high school classmate. I hadn't spoken to her in ten years. How she found me, I do not know. She called to invite me to her baptism. I was amazed and excited for her, so I agreed to attend. By the end of the service, I knew I had found what I longed for. I can't tell you what the message was that day, but the presence of the Lord was in that place.
I remember setting in that church longing to belong, to feel, to know this God everyone around me seemed to know. No one had to convince me there was a God; I just didn't know Him.
I immediately requested to start taking bible studied, and my life started to change… finally. Why? Because King David said, ‘The entrance of Thy words giveth light; giveth understanding unto the simple” (Psalm 119:30).
I learned through those studies that Jesus loved me just the way I was, but He refused to leave me the way He found me. He planned to restore His image in me. I can't tell you how excited and appealing this was to me because I didn't like the person I had become. I was tired of the emptiness, trying to fill it, often failing. I was tired of being afraid of relationships, avoiding relationships so that I wouldn't be hurt.
In those studies, and conversations with individuals in my bible study group, I learned that Jesus loved me simply because I existed, and He cared for and about me. I knew that I didn't deserve His love, but praise God, He believed that I was worth dying for. The following year on November 3, 1989, I was baptized in that same church in that same baptismal pool.
My Life Today
Although life has had many challenges since giving my heart to the Lord; however, through the grace of God, I am not that same person who walked into that church 30 years ago. I have grown and continue to grow in Christ, and I have never regretted my decision to give my life to Him.
One of those challenges were, in 1993 I was official diagnosed with a learning disability that affects my ability to read, write and spell. For years, even after becoming a Christian, I was ashamed of my reading and writing skills.
Somehow, only God knows, I finished my bachelor’s degree and went on to receive my doctorate in Educational Psychology. God wasn’t finished, He wanted me to write for Him. Imagine that, a person that struggles with writing and spelling, writing for God. I often say that God has interesting sense of humor.
Someone once said, God does not call those who are qualified, but qualifies those who respond to His call. It took some convincing from the Lord, but I finally said yes to Him.
I now encourage others to say yes to Christ. Not just to do a work for Him, but to live for Him. I can and do attest, living for and working with Christ is the greatest and most fulfilling relationship and experience you will ever have.
I am writing for Christ and encourage you to do so as well if you believe that this is an area in which God can use you to share the gospel.
I am also happy to share that I belong to a wonderful church and a bible study group. I’m very active in my church and dearly love sharing my Christian experience with others.
Gospel Invitation
The apostle Paul reminds us, "…hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. For when we were yet without strength, in due time, Christ died for the ungodly." Romans 5:5-6
The ungodly Paul is speaking of is us before we accept Christ. Doesn't sound very flattering, does it? We would like to think more highly of ourselves than ungodly. The good news is, when we hide in the shadow of the Almighty, and He shows us our true condition before Him (those ungodly places in us), it is then that we are finally able to say, I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, which is the power of God (Romans 1:16-19). God's power to rid us of our ungodliness is found in the life, death, burial, and resurrection of Christ. And make no mistake, it is a daily bowing the heart and knee at the throne of grace that ungodliness finds no resting place in us. I am daily humbled that God so loved me that He sent Christ, His Son, to die for me, the ungodly, that I may live His righteous life. Oh, how great is His love, mercy, and grace has been towards me.
To learn more, receive online bible study material and other helpful information, please visit: www.itiswritten.com and www.amazingfacts.org
I invite you to give your life to Christ today.
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