...Once I recognized what Christ knew - that I was ready, and that it was time that I participate in my restoration - I asked Him where did He want me to start. His answer was 'forgiveness.' I knew instantly that a deeper level of letting go had to happen.
You know, we struggle with allowing Christ to restore our souls because we are afraid that we will no longer recognize ourselves. Who are we outside of the pain and anger we have carried for so long? These feelings were instrumental in shaping our character, as well as the way we think and interact with people. They are the filter through which we see and interact with our world. Take the pain, anger, and unforgiveness away, and we are strangers to ourselves. Yet, this is the essence of dying to self. The old man/woman must die. Yes, we will grieve, that is what happens when someone dies, but joy does come in the morning. How does the song go?… Morning by morning new mercies I see, all I have needed, Thy hand has provided, great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me. Wow!
I am assuming you are reading this post because you recognize that your soul has been wounded and it interferes -and will continue to interfere - with your ability to move on. Remembering that God is sovereign and that He alone has the power to restore your soul should be immensely comforting and empowering. Why? Because He longs to restore your soul. This longing sent Christ to the garden, to the cross; it is why He rose, and now stands before His Father interceding, advocating on your behalf.
Years before Christ came to this earth as our substitute and surety, He spoke to Ezekiel and said, I will wash you, I will take the stones (bitterness, hate, longlines, and unforgiveness) out of your heart and give you My Spirit. So, you see, your acknowledgment that you are ready to be restored, is evidence that He has been working in you to will and to do...His good pleasure for a long time. He brings your need of Him to your attention so that you can cooperate with Him in the restoration of your soul (Ezekiel 36).
Believe it or not, by letting the Spirit of God rule in us, we will, like Stephen, while they were stoning him, call out to God and say, “Lord, lay not this sin to their charge” (Acts 7:60).
This text was a turning point in my journey towards restoration. I stared at those words - at Stephen’s last words and testament - and wondered if I could release my husband from his crimes...not loving me well, disappointments, silence...And because of the many years of addictive behaviors, charge after charge started mounting up. Even memories of when I was a child flooded my mind (you see my father was addicted to alcohol). I knew that I had held each one close to my breast. Not one had been forgotten. I wept, not because I had been finally made free, but because I was terrified that if I prayed Stephen's prayer, I would be forgotten. So many of my wounds no one even knew about or dared to notice. I suffered so much in silence that its deafening sound was killing me. When I started to look at my pain, it was like looking down a dark hole into a darkness that was beyond the night, and there was no bottom to the hole, it just kept going.
I had no idea it was there until I read Stephen's testimony, a testimony I had read or listened to numerous times…This time it touched a level of pain in me I did not even know existed. The only thing I could do was cry out to God to help me. I felt so lost and afraid… I could not release those charges...those memories...I could not say Stephen's words...they stuck in my throat... What would happen to my pain if I did? I had been waiting for years for that validation, for someone to acknowledge the betrayal, rejection, abandonment, disappointments…to release those charges, those memories, in my mind, was to lose that opportunity, and I didn’t know if I could do it. I think heaven stopped all of it activities that day, angels held their breath, 'will she release him of his charges….? an eternity past... Yes… heaven erupts with praise to Christ…whatever happens His death has not been in vain. I told Christ, 'Yes… hold not these sins to their charge…. Christ, You have waited long enough and paid too high a price…. I don’t know where to go from here, but I trust Your leading.' I had finally wrestled with God until He won.
As with Stephen, Jesus stood up and helped me shift my gaze so that I could look in His face. All earth becomes strangely still in the light of Christ's glory and grace. It was the look in Jesus' eyes that empowered me to say yes to Him. The level of my pain, only Jesus knew, and He had already carried it to the cross. He fell underneath it, while carrying it to the cross. He was so determined to get to the cross, to lay down His life so I could experience that very moment of releasing my pain to Him. His death had been validated.
Someone once said it is not what someone has done to you, but what you think about and what you believe about what someone has done to you that sets us for that emotional roller coaster. God's grace is sufficient and empowers us to remember what God has done for us. Submit to His restoration project with your whole heart (mind, body, soul, and strength). He has promised to instruct you in His righteousness. He will guide your footsteps, and if you fall along the way, He will pick you up and - if need be - carry you until your legs are strong again. What a wonderful, mighty God we serve!
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